The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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