also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
