I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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