i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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