I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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