I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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