I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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