I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and she was petting her beer can
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
