I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
