Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
