You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
