My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
