The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
