I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Floor bacon is actually really good
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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