I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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