my phone needs a breathalizer
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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