Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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