I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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