Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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