omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
