Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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