God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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