i was rollin on her like bob the builder
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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