Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
