If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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