his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
