You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize