dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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