My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think my mom watched the whole time
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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