I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
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He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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