matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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