yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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