Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
