Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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