onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
