After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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