The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
