he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
