just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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