the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
