is your mom at the bar?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.