He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
