Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
