with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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