I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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