So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
