sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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