hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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