her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
