guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
