well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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