Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
