Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
